Now With 50% More Domestic Problems

by J. Bradley

J. Bradley Reads Now With 50% More Domestic Problems

Gerry spins his gold wedding band on the dull red Ikea counter top he installed for Nanette as a third wedding anniversary present.  “What went wrong,” he asks.  Gerry walks over to the Teddy Ruxpin doll sitting at the head of the dining room table, unzips the back of its red and white checkered sundress and presses play:

……..“Can’t you find a clue when your eyes are all painted Sinatra blue”

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A summer, a wine bottle, and a feel-good single walked into a bar. The feel-good single hit the wrong octave, soured all the PBR in the coolers. Police found it lobotomized with the wine bottle. The summer was later found in the middle of June.

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At the dairy section, Gerry thought he heard the manager say “Enjoy your meta” while perusing various forms of cheese. He thinks of asking the Teddy Ruxpin doll sitting in the child’s seat what the manager really said. Gerry’s index finger hovers over “Play” before throttling the handle of the shopping cart toward the butter.

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It is said when you drink a cougar’s essence, you gain its strength, ferocity, and power. If this is true, why does Matthew Broderick look more worn and cracked as each year passes?

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The neighbors can hear “Please Don’t Go Girl” yowling from Gerry’s house. In the basement, Gerry sings into Nanette’s hair brush at Teddy Ruxpin. It wears Nanette’s favorite lip gloss, “Tickled Pink” from the COVERGIRL Wetslicks Amazement line. Gerry forgets falsetto only works on unhinging the jaws of 12-year-old girls.

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What might have been lost?

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Gerry cracks open photo frames like Easter eggs. Gerry cracks wine bottles on the dull red Ikea counter top he installed for Nanette on their third wedding anniversary. Gerry holds the broken glass cutlass to Teddy Ruxpin’s eyes as he removes the cassette, pulling out the magnetic tape until it looks like a cloud ready to rupture with questions.
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J. Bradley is the author of Dodging Traffic (Ampersand Books, 2009) and flash fiction chapbook The Serial Rapist Sitting Behind You Is A Robot (Safety Third Enterprises, 2010). He is the Interview Editor of PANK Magazine and lives at Failure Loves Company.

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