Andrew Farkas
Go to Timbuktu—an island paradise.
……Stand on the beach. Gaze at the beauty of the sun shining upon the crystal blue water, the white sand. It will blind you. But gaze upon it. You’ll be glad you did. While you’re blind, reaching for sunglasses, hat, greenshade visor (are you a greenshade visor kind of person?, wonder), think about the Walrus and the Carpenter’s plan to clean up the beach; think about how an hourglass company would clean up here. Here, do not think about the past; do not worry about the future. Instead, think only of the present. Of the brilliant shining sun. Of the opalescent waves. Of the bleached rolling dunes in the distance. Let yourself fade away.
Enjoy the weather of Timbuktu.
……Walk across the island. Notice how the temperature is exactly what you’d want it to be if someone asked you. Do not think about how no one ever asks you—about anything. How most things occur against your will. Instead, realize that throughout Timbuktu, the temperature varies from 64° to 95°. Depending on your taste, you can experience any climate at any time. There is even snow on top of Mt. Timbuktu, and the dunes of the beach wrap around and form a small desert. But for most it is perpetually Spring and Summer, and Summer and Spring. Do not think about how your own seasons are Winter and Fall without end, how the days are getting shorter and shorter year round. Instead, bask in the constant light, in the climate that almost seems designed for you and you alone.
Plan a family gathering in Timbuktu.
……Near where the beach meets the boardwalk, see a wedding party. The bride dressed in white, the groom in black. Wonder if there has ever been a wedding where the bride wore black, the groom white. Think of a marriage ceremony where both wear gray. (Do not think about your own relationships.) Weddings are joyous events the world over, but especially in Timbuktu. Here, family and friends come together in paradise to celebrate a union that will never be broken. Do not think about the fifty percent divorce rate. Do not think about your own failing (failed) marriage. Do not think about how your spouse cheated on you for years. Do not think about the bitter divorce proceedings. Instead, watch the end of the ceremony. Catch the bouquet. Do not think about pollen allergies. Instead, hand the bouquet to a cute little girl. Hug the bride. Shake the groom’s hand. Welcome them to Timbuktu as if you owned the place. Leave the happy couple with a quiet tip of your greenshade visor.
Timbuktu has gourmet restaurants and classy lounges.
……Stop off at one of our local watering holes. Enjoy an aperitif. Wonder if the pre-dinner drink has such a fancy name so people can sound sophisticated while consuming alcohol on an empty stomach. Have a large meal (or a light snack) prepared by our culinary experts at one of our fine eateries. Do not think about how many people are starving in the world. Do not think about why it’s still necessary to get drunk when you’re away from your dark, depressing home-life. Instead, indulge in a decadent piece of chocolate cake. You’ll be glad you did. Go to a bar. Have a rum drink. Hit on a member of the opposite sex. On a member of the same sex. Do not drink straight rum by yourself. Do not drink out of the bottle. Wonder how you got back to your hotel room. Wonder who put the greenshade visor on you.
Play nine or eighteen on our world famous golf links.
……Relax your legs. Take an athletic stance. Grip the club firmly, but not too tight. Plant your feet. Keep your arms straight. Bring your arms back. Keep your eye on the ball. Bring your weight back. Keep your eye on the ball. Bring your arms forward. (Keep your eye on the ball.) Bring your weight forward. Keep your arms straight. Follow through. Sand trap. Do not think about the hourglasses. Do not think about the minutes of your life that are draining away. Do not think about how you could use your time more wisely. Do not think about the little oysters, tricked by the promise of fun into following the Walrus and the Carpenter to certain doom. Pick up the club. You can get out of the sand trap. Give yourself more credit. You’ll be glad you did. Water hazard. Do not think “repeat ad nauseam.”
Try your luck at Timbuktu’s glamorous casino.
……Do not think about how your luck has been so rotten lately. Do not think about how money doesn’t buy happiness—for that’s a cliché. Do not think about the look of quiet desperation that seems to be on everyone’s face. Do not think about the cacophonous sound generated by the slot machines. And how that sound is a siren for suckers (the poor oysters). Do not think about the lives of the natives, or of those who cannot afford a paradise island getaway. Do not sit down at a table, any table, with a stack of $100 bills and throw them out there until they’re gone as if your losing were preordained. Instead, pursue lady luck. Believe in lady luck. Have fun. You’ll be glad you did.
There is always something to do in Timbuktu.
……Walk around the island in the late afternoon. See people fishing. Windsurfing. Parasailing. Swimming. Sunbathing. Playing tennis. Playing volleyball. Eating. Drinking. Do not think about how you never seem to fit in anywhere. How everything you try becomes a failure, seems doomed to failure from the beginning. Instead, witness the beautiful sunset while sitting in a watering hole covered with aged maps. Do not wonder about your place in the world.
The perfect location—Timbuktu.
……Timbuktu is not on the equator, although located at 0° latitude. Timbuktu is between the tropics, but it is not close to the tropics—it is far enough away to be considered outside the tropics. Timbuktu is near none of the continents, except for three of them. Timbuktu’s tropical climate is due to a particular jet stream that cuts through the north and the south, while being an eastern westerly. Timbuktu is a lone island in an archipelago. Timbuktu is closer than you think.
Join us in Timbuktu for the celebration of Festival.
……Festival is the festival of celebrations. It is said, on this day, many years ago, before Timbuktu was discovered by Ponce de León during his quest for the elusive Fountain of Youth, even before the original discovery of Timbuktu by the Viking Leif de León (an ancestor of Ponce), the people celebrated the first Festival. And so, Festival was born in commemoration of this day. Drink a rum drink in honor of this traditional celebration. Walk around the luau. See the children playing with the traditional Festival dolls. Do not think about your lost childhood. Do not think about your children leading lost lives. Do not think.
Visit the mysterious Mountain Café of Timbuktu.
……Leave the festival of Festival. Gaze upon Mt. Timbuktu. Climb to the top. Do not spill your drink. Throw away your greenshade visor. It doesn’t suit you. At the top, find a natural café playfully called The Cabbage King. The café was carved out of the rock of the mountain by erosion. The sheet metal, the glass windows, the slippery-shiny red stools, the large booths, even the neon sign are all part of the mountain itself. Absolutely authentic. Even the soda fountain. Even the soda jerk. Formed by wind and water erosion. Gaze upon this from the darkness. Do not think about death. Do not think about death. Do not think about death. Do not think about death. Instead, order their specialty: the vanilla milkshake with Hershey’s brand chocolate syrup—all naturally occurring from the erosion of the mountain. (Do not think about death. Do not think about death.) Walk in through the naturally occurring glass and metal doors and sit on a naturally occurring vinyl stool. (Do not think about death. Do not think about death.) Look the soda jerk in the eye. Remember that knowing people always gets you something. Tell him Roy sent ya.
Go to Timbuktu—an island paradise.
……Because of the beauty of Timbuktu, because of how hospitable the natives are, many of our visitors have been to Timbuktu before, have returned to relive their vacations in paradise, to visit their old friends, to meet new. So many of our visitors are repeat visitors, perhaps you have been to Timbuktu before, perhaps you have made friends, perhaps you have only forgotten. Perhaps your friends, both visitors and natives alike, surrounded by oyster shells from their hors d’oeuvres, are waiting for you at your favorite watering hole, ironically wearing greenshade visors, hoisting a traditional Festival rum aperitif in your honor. Perhaps. Go to Timbuktu. Find out. You’ll be glad you did.
