AD Jameson
“I say!” I said then. “What extends here but a broad expanse of chest!”
…..It spread out before us, precious and unexamined, two twin plateaus, our plaything.
…..The boyfriend’s nipples were dumb little pink things, pinched buds both sunken in and withdrawn, barely worth a stray mention. “I don’t much like his nipples,” Melanie confessed.
…..“Would you prefer that they stuck out more?” asked Lauren.
…..“No,” replied Melanie. “I don’t like nipples that do that, either. I don’t care for that kind of nipple, not at all.”
…..“You like them sunken?” I asked her. “Or inverted?”
…..“No, I don’t like the nipples that are sunken,” she responded. “I don’t like them sunken, and I don’t like the nipples when they’re pronounced.”
…..“What then?” I asked her. “A guy can’t seem to win, given your requirements for his nipples.”
…..“I’m very particular,” Melanie admitted. “But that’s my prerogative. As well as my natural human right.”
…..“Well, what do you go in for, then?” I asked her, leery, wary.
…..“A ‘just-so’ nipple,” Melanie answered. “I like them ‘just-so.’”
…..“‘Just-so’?” I repeated.
…..“Yes, ‘just-so.’ ‘Just-so’ nipples.’”
…..“Meaning what?” I inquired further.
…..“Meaning they’re ‘just-so’ nipples.” She thought the matter over. “I just don’t know how I can explain it,” she finally admitted.
…..Lauren thought about this subject, too. Her already puckered features grew even more squinted, even more scrunched-up.
…..At last she ejaculated: “A ‘just-so’ nipple looks like a nipple that looks as though it’s been drawn on the body?”
…..“Yes!” Melanie shouted. “Yes! Drawn-on nipples—that guy is perfection! That specimen’s mine!”
…..“Or, in other words,” I tried, even-headedly, to specify, “a nipple that is level with the chest?”
…..“Yes!” Melanie hollered, pumping her two fists fiercely. “Precisely that! No more or no less pronounced than the chest-level, neither in nor out.”
…..“And that,” I continued, “that unobtrusive nipple, that level nipple,” I inquired, “is what you would label a ‘just-so’ nipple?”
…..“Yes,” Melanie answered. “That nipple is precisely ‘just-so.’ And what I want. And a man with ‘just-so’ nipples can win my heart in an instant—anytime.”
…..“And yet your new boyfriend has won your heart,” I proposed. Preparing my trap.
…..“Well, I wouldn’t go that far,” said Melanie, “not exactly. I wouldn’t venture quite so far as to say those words, not yet.”
…..“Because of his nipples?” I asked. Maniacally.
…..“His nipples are certainly a factor,” Melanie answered.
…..“Well, let’s correct that,” I suggested. “Lauren, go get my pair of pliers.”
…..“Go get ‘em yourself,” Lauren snapped back, all frowns. “I don’t like to be told to touch your pliers.”
…..Imagine that!
…..“What’s wrong with my pliers?” I asked Miss Curmudgeon Sourpuss.
…..“Their handles are uncomfortable,” she complained, “being made of metal, and corrugated, as well as non-insulated. Every time that I pick them up, I’m afraid that I’m gonna’ get electrocuted—or worse.”
…..Well, that was reasonable, I thought.
…..“That’s reasonable,” I said. “And a new boyfriend’s nipples can prove pretty electric. We’ll just have to use our fingers then, ladies. …Well, shall we?”
…..Each woman said yes and positioned herself before a nipple, one on either side. Melanie took the left one, Lauren the right.
…..“On the count of three,” I began.
…..“On your mark…
…..“Get set…
…..“Heave ho!”
…..Right before I said “Heave ho!”, while I was still talking, each woman took hold of her respective pectoral muscle. The new boyfriend’s chest was, just like his shoulders and his arms, not the buffest bit of flesh, and so his pecs were underdeveloped, a little flabby. Each pec was, to be honest, in fact, a little bit like a woman’s breast: torpedo-shaped, pyramidal, somewhat pointed.
…..Lauren and Melanie, while holding her respective pec with her one hand, made use of her other hand to squeeze on the end of the breast. They forced out of hiding the inverted nipple, peeked it out of its sunken, chest-sheathed slumber.
…..Once she had done that, each woman was able (when I cried “Heave ho!”) to seize her assigned shy nipple with her fingers, and to secure it between her thumb and her forefinger grip. And then to give it the sharp, hard tug that the nipple needed.
…..“Heave ho!” I commanded. They each yanked impatiently and insistently at their nipples, endeavoring to reverse the course of the boyfriend’s normal growth, to undo what wry malice Mother Nature had already done. They teased and they tugged, sparing no amount of effort, sweating profusely, grimacing from their exertions.
…..At last I cried halt. At that word, they released the tiny pink nubs from their pincer-like grips, gave up the struggle.
…..As we watched, our breathing hushed, the extended nipples, red and scratched and bleeding slightly, shuddered and started their slow retreat, collapsing in upon themselves, once again withdrawing.
…..But some new damage had been done. As a result of our intervention, the nipples eventually halted, only half-retreated, only half-sunken in.
…..They were now pretty even, level (more or less) with the rest of the new boyfriend’s masculine chest.
…..“Be still my beating schoolgirl heart,” Melanie whispered.
…..The chest was a thing of majesty then. It was just so manly, a woman could cry—as well as commit her whole lifetime to loving it, I will confess.
…..And I will not go on to claim that we three should get all of the credit: Melanie’s boyfriend should receive all of the credit. It was his chest, after all.
…..Although we’d still claim just a morsel of the credit. Un soupçon.
…..Around the new boyfriend’s just-so nipples, his chest hairs swirled and whorled like a fingerprint.
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Other writing from AD Jameson has appeared in the Denver Quarterly, Fiction International, Brooklyn Rail, The Mississippi Online Review, elimae, Caketrain, PANK, and elsewhere; more is forthcoming in Fiction International, Mad Hatters’ Review, and Action, Yes, among other places. His novel “Giant Slugs” is forthcoming from Lawrence and Gibson later this year, and his prose collection “Amazing Adult Fantasy” is forthcoming from Mutable Sound, also later this year. AD also contributes to the group blog Big Other.
